A blogging site with barely any community and incredibly outdated themes.
And yet, Google still hasn't shut you down yet.
I have been itching to write and blog all of last year, but figuring out which platform to go on was keeping me stumped. I tried substack, but man, idk. I feel weird being on that platform knowing the owner's stances. It's not like his stances are any different from most social media site owners though lol. I tried writing on Tumblr, but Tumblr feels weird for personal blogging. It seems like it's great for image sharing and writing that isn't... personal blogging?
What do I mean by personal blogging? I mean, the ancient pastime of just writing about your life and something you experienced in a light-hearted way with images sprinkled throughout the text. Thanks to Instagram, TikTok, and other sites, you can just make a post with a picture and write a bit in the caption, which constitutes as a form of micro-blogging. But that's not enough for me. I just have way too much to say HAHA.
I revisited this old site and read my old posts and I really enjoyed them. I've never had anyone tell me they enjoy reading my blog, but surely a few people must have at least... scrolled through it? and... not hate it? I haven't even received a single comment on any of my posts LOL.
And now that makes me wonder, what is the point?
I guess I could just keep private journaling. What is the point of writing in hopes that people will enjoy what I read? Do I think I am that oh-so-important?
Actually, that connects to a major issue I've been having with myself since 2022.
2021 was when I started teaching in Korea and after that first year of whirlwind excitement, in 2022 I found myself settling more into this job and reflecting on things and that's when I feel like I just changed. Living alone in a foreign country for a number of years can really DO something to you lol.
I don't like the person I changed into, but maybe it was necessary.
I started to just think that social media content is just... pointless. There is so much more important stuff to focus on out there in this world and who am I to hope that people will come and watch me? Check up on me? Read about my life? Enjoy what I have to say? Care about if I post a selfie or not? What is the point?
I like to make things that people can enjoy. I like seeing people share about their lives, which inspires me to do the same. I like to make people laugh, and I've always felt pretty "different." So, maybe being "different" and public about it can help people who feel a little out of place feel like, hey I can relate to her, I'm not so weird after all!
But to think that way about myself involves me being... pretty self-centered right? I must think I am a pretty cool and great person to have the confidence that people would enjoy my existence.
This led me to start second-guessing so much about myself.
It started to affect my live performances more and I found myself being more shy than pre-2020 me. If I were to do a performance and act confidently in front of people, who am I to do that? Especially in front of an audience filled with people who mostly don't know me. I can walk confidently with good posture, make eye contact, dare to be a bit flirtatious, have varied confident facial expressions all because why...? I think I'm cool and pretty enough to do that? Yeah? Well, who says so? Me? That's crazy talk.
It's not that I have imposter syndrome, or do I? idk. but, I think I am good at the things I do. I think I have talents and I think I'm meant to be "Something." but... who is to say that others think the same? and if I think I'm so great but others don't agree, then do I have the right to think I am so great? What do you call that feeling?!
Then I came across a random Keke Palmer video interview clip where she recited a quote from her role in Akeelah and the Bee:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"
Well now, interesting.
(I haven't even watched the movie yet LOL. But I think Keke Palmer is so charismatic and fun so I love seeing her random interview clips pop up on my social media feeds.)
That second question... I don't even have an answer to it.
It really makes me realize that, yeah, none of this is that big of a deal lol.
The fear of being outwardly confident and bright... sounds ridiculous!
But I think I have many reasons to not feel like others believe in me. Most of the opportunities I've had when it comes to performing were made by my own networking and hard work. It's not like people have invited me to perform or accepted my applications. Most of the time, when I have applied to perform at idol festivals, I've been rejected. This is why I really hate doing an application process when it comes to looking for acts for the shows I produce. I know the feeling of rejection all too well and I hate to make others feel that way. I've just asked if I could do something somewhere and people said yes. Of course they could have rejected my idea, but to be wanted is an unfamiliar feeling to me (beyond just the idol stuff.)
It would be one thing if I was actually a part of a label and had management above me telling me to do XYZ,. Then it's like, okay I have to smile and try to look pretty and get people's attention because management told me to do so and I don't want to lose my job. In this case, I'm in charge of putting myself out there and expecting people to enjoy my content when... nobody asked or told me to do it?
This is what makes this whole thing so complicated.
It's not that I don't want to make content because it doesn't perform well.
To put it bluntly, I feel like a crazy person for wanting to continue to be creative and put myself out there even if I'm not getting so much attention. I still want to upload YouTube vlogs of myself doing various things and having fun even though my viewership and engagement is extremely low. That HAS to make me an arrogant egomaniac right?!
The lack of reach on social media should be an indication that I'm not so important and I should tone my confidence down. If I was truly so funny, pretty, interesting, smart, captivating, cool, admirable, and inspirational, then surely I would have more people telling me that, following me, and begging for more from me.
But I guess what is so wrong with believing in myself?
It goes back to that quote from above. Who am I to not think I am those things?
Even if people aren't really watching me, listening to me, or reading what I have to say, as long as I continue to enjoy being creative and I have no shame, well, I guess there is no reason to truly stop.
I love listening to my own voice and I love watching videos of myself. Sure, I do cringe at my past self some times, but only a little. I love to see myself confidently execute choreography and look pretty in pictures. I guess if I have absolutely zero fans, that means I am dead.
See how crazy that makes me sound?!
But alas, here we are. Maybe I am just out of my mind.
Those were the thoughts that tangled up my mind for the past three years.
It feels like I've overcome them and I'm FINALLY ready to move on.
But every now and then they will creep up and put me in this weird thought cycle again.
Maybe people will see me like I see Blogger LOL.
Barely anyone is around for you, yet here you still are!
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